Matthew 17:20: He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
Last summer, after a trip to Asia, all of sudden, my dreams didn’t seem as great as they seemed before. It seemed to me that perhaps having more materialistic (形容詞:物質) things and achieving (動詞:達到,感就) some level of success will not guarantee (動詞:保證) me happiness. I was scared (動詞: 恐懼、害怕) to return to my mundane (形容詞:平淡的,乏味的) life in the United States. I started to think about whether there was a different purpose for my life. Was I really meant to walk the path (名詞:道路) that everyone else is walking? Am I meant to just go to college, get my degree, get a 9 to 5 job, have my own family, then continue working until I die? I was in overwhelming (形容詞:壓倒性,不能抵擋) confusion (名詞:困惑,不知所措).
Everything spiraled (動詞:螺旋形地上升/下降) out of control as I entered my senior year of high school. Mainly because of college applications, loneliness, and family problems, I developed anxiety, then depression, to the point where I often couldn’t go to school and experienced breakdowns (名詞:故障,精神崩潰). I was referred to the school psychologist after having a mental breakdown in front of my teacher, but it didn’t make me feel any better. My family didn’t understand what was going on, and their animosity (名詞:憎惡,仇恨) made me feel worse. Twice, I refused to go home at night and slept at my friend’s house. I attended church and talked with my best friend, but I still felt utterly alone in the black hole of depression. I pushed away most of my friends. I couldn’t find happiness in the things that I usually enjoyed.
Last month, I was taking the bus to school. The bus arrived late and to avoid going into class late again, I stayed on the bus. At a bus stop, I got into another bus that was empty. The bus driver asked me where I was going and told me that I could’ve stayed on the other bus because it would’ve taken me to the same destination (名詞:目的物). But then, she said something that made me think. “It’s not a coincidence (名詞:偶然,巧合) . Maybe you and I were meant to meet!” As the bus started to move, I felt very emotional and started to cry. The bus driver noticed and looked at me in the rear-view mirror and asked me why I was crying. I told her about my depression and she asked me if I believed in God. I told her I did and she started preaching about God’s word. At the end of the bus ride, she read me a Bible verse and told me that she would pray for me. She handed me a mini Bible and told me again that God planned for us to meet. I was amazed. I truly believe that God used her to help me.
To be honest, it’s hard to be grateful for this experience because it was the most difficult phase I have ever gone through in my life so far. My parents finally set up an appointment with a therapist (名詞:心理治療師) and currently, I’m finding healing through therapy. As I reflect on this year’s journey, I can see God’s handprints (名詞:手印) all over this. In order to live a life he planned out for me and make me completely dependent on him, He had to break me down to build me up. I realized that I was stopping myself from living out God’s purpose because of my lack of faith. The Bible verse, Matthew 17:20 strikes a chord (名詞:和弦,和音) within me, because I struggle to have even that tiny little mustard seed of faith. I’m used to depending on myself, but now I’m constantly fighting myself to “walk by faith” and depend on him 100%. Although it was humiliating (動詞:羞恥,羞辱) to come to terms with my lack of faith, it felt liberating. I’m also finding peace through meditation, praying, and reading the Bible.
He can bring beauty out of chaos. Trust him.
耶穌說：是因你們的信心小。我實在告訴你們，你們若有信心，像一粒芥菜種，就是對這座山說：你從這邊挪到那邊。他也必挪去；並且你們沒有一件不能做的事了。(馬太福音十七章二十節)
去年暑假，從國外回來以後，忽然間，我覺得我的夢想並不是那麼的偉大。我覺得也許物質的東西，或是某程度上的成就，並不能確保我會獲得快樂。我不回到美國那平淡而乏味的生活中。我開始思考人生的真正目的。我是不是一定要走其他人在走的路呢？我的人生難道就是上大學，拿學位，找一份朝九晚五的工作，建立自己的家庭，然後工作到離開世界為止？我實在感到非常困惑。
十二年級開學以後，我覺得彷彿身邊的一切都在急劇下旋，一發不能收拾。因為要報讀大學、孤單感，加上家庭問題，我變得很焦慮，甚至憂心忡忡。到一個地步，我經常缺課，有時更會在老師面前崩潰。因此，學校要我去看心理學家，可是，對我幫助不大。我的家人對我的情況，不甚瞭解，他們的厭煩令我感到更糟糕。有二次，我都拒絕回家，選擇留在朋友家過夜。雖然我繼續上教會，和跟我最好的朋友聊天，但我然在憂鬱的黑洞裡頭掙扎，感到極其的孤單。我把朋友都給推開了。我再不能從自己過去很享受的東西裡找到快樂。
上個月，我如常坐公共汽車上學。巴士遲到了，為了不上課，我選擇留在巴士裡。到站了，我就轉到另一輛沒有乘客的巴士去。司機問我要往那裡去，並且告訴我，我應該留在原來的巴士上，因為它同樣會把我帶到我的目的地。接下來，她講了一些令我深思的話，她說：「這不是偶然的，你我可以相遇，也許是上天的安排罷！」巴士開動以後，因為感到很激動，我哭了。我的舉動引起了巴士司機的注意，她從後鏡看著我，然後問我為什麼哭。聽到我有憂鬱症之後，她問我相不相信神。我說我是信徒，她就開始跟我分享神的話。巴士快到站的時侯，她讀了一段經文給我聽，然後說她會為我禱告。我下車時，她遞給我一本小小的聖經，並且再次告訴我，我們的相遇是神巧妙的安排。突然間，我感到很驚訝！我確實相信，神是使用她來幫助我。
事實上，我真的很難去為這段時間的經歷來感恩，這是我人生最低沉的日子。我的父母終於為我找到一位心理治療師。現在，我好了。回過頭來，在這一年的歷程中，四處可見，儘是神的手印。為了要我活出衪在我身上的計劃，讓我完全地倚靠衪。衪必須先把我粉碎，才可以重新建立我。巴士司機送給我的經文，馬太福音17:20，在我心中引起了共鳴。是的，因為自己的小信，我離開了神給我的人生目標。過去，我完全在倚靠自己，如今，我不斷地提醒自己，要「用信心行」，要百分之分全然倚靠衪。雖然，承認自己的小信，真的有點羞愧，但卻讓我得到釋放。也讓我可以從禱告、讀聖經，和默想神的話，得到平安。
神是可以從亂序裡帶出美麗！信靠衪！
(譯者注： 靠著神的恩典，透過心理治療師的引導，CatCat不但走出了陰霾，學會把生命交給神，倚靠神。本文刊登時，她已被自己夢想、一所世界著名的大學錄取。榮耀歸給神！)
◎CatCat, 12th grade ◎翻譯：秦黃業玲