I find it rather odd that in situations where I should be focusing on something important, like writing a paper, my mind decides to ponder (動詞:深思;考慮) ideas that are completely unrelated to the task at hand. Normally this would make me rather frustrated but today’s thoughts irked me (動詞:氣憤;苦惱)。
Upon distracting (動詞:分心) myself with getting dinner I noticed how much things have changed these last few years, and I started thinking about the impermanence (名詞:短暫性) of things. I feel like my 22 years of life doesn’t put me in a position to speak about such things but I thought it’d be interesting to explore (動詞:勘查;考察). So I mulled (動詞:深思熟慮)over it while I ate my beef bowl (which was $1.29 more expensive that the last time I remember) and I began to wonder why people hold on to things so tightly when the reality is that whatever it is will probably become irrelevant (形容詞:不重要) , obsolete (形容詞:淘汰的;過時的)or cease (動詞:止息) to exist in a matter of months (years if you’re lucky)? It seems like such futility (名詞:徒勞) to me to keep everything in your grasp all the time when it could disappear right out of your hand?
Driving around I see “for sale” and “for lease” signs where businesses and other establishments(名詞:機構;單位)operated just a few months ago, I see homes that are being torn down and rebuilt where it felt like I had seen someone living in yesterday. I feel like these are generally some of the more permanent (形容詞:長久的)things in life and yet they seem to be as fickle (名詞:靠不住的;變化無常的) as my food cravings(名詞:渴望;熱望). I think about the time that I’ve poured into some of the games that I’ve played to acquire some in game accomplishment, only to realize that I don’t really care about it anymore, and all that I’d accomplished might not even exist as some uninterpretable(形容詞:無法解釋的)line of code somewhere in the vast spaces of the internet. Yet, thinking back to those times, those things were things that I used to value myself in comparison to others, and now it just seems so foolish because it’ll all eventually (形容詞:最終) disappear.
As I stared at it before I ate and thought, “Hmm this smells so good and I’m hungry, it’d be a shame if this disappeared” and the next moment went something along the lines of “Darn, I’m out of beef.” (Ok, it might not have happened exactly like that but the idea is there.) In my moments of hunger, that beef bowl was held very tightly in my grasp (quite literally (副詞:確實;照字面解釋) and the next (after I ran out of beef) it was in the trash. Not exactly the best metaphor (名詞:隱喻;暗喻)but hopefully you get the idea. My computer will eventually give out, my mental health diagnosis (名詞:診斷) book will go out of date, my phone’s going to get slow, my car is going to stop working, and all these things will eventually fail or become obsolete so why do I hold so tightly to them? Why should I?
In any case, I came to the conclusion there isn’t a reason to (which is why hoarding is a disorder). Yet as much as games are still a part of my life, and I still have possessions (名詞:財產;擁有物), I guess I’ve come to the point where I could just let them go, and I wouldn’t be too bothered by it, and its rather freeing actually. And it’s not like this is a ground breaking thought, but it became more real to me I guess. Maybe I should go read the book of Ecclesiastes…
◎ 旨臻
當我需要專注於一些如寫報告等重要的東西，腦海卻不斷浮現一些雜七雜八，跟我要做的工作風馬牛不相干的念頭時，我會有種怪怪的感覺。一般的日子，這種感覺會令我非常困惑，可是，今天的想法，卻令我有點心神不定。
為了分散注意力，我決定到外面買個便當。在路上，我注意到這幾年，好多東西改變了，那一瞬間，我開始想到事物的短暫性。雖然我知道，只有二十二歲的我，根本沒有資格去談這個話題；但，探討一下，也是蠻有意思的！因此，我一邊吃我的牛肉飯，(記憶所及，這碗飯的價錢比我上次買的時候漲了一塊多)，一邊在細嚼這課題。當事實告訴我們，無論什麼東西，一日、一個月、或是一年後，都會變成為明日黃花，一去不復返。為何人們還要緊緊握著它們不放呢？為何要牢牢抓著一些隨時會在您手中消失得無影無蹤的東西呢？
在路上閒晃，我看到許多幾個月前還在營運的公司和其他機構的門前，都放著「出售」或「出租」的告示牌，我看到那些彷彿昨天還有人在居住的房子被拆毀、重建。對我來說，房子應該是人生中比較固定長久的東西，可是，它們就像我的食物渴求一樣—變化無常。當我想到那些曾令我廢寢忘食的遊戲，那些我努力不懈要拿到最高分的遊戲，我才意識到，它們再也不能纏著我的心；至於那些所謂的成績，也早已在無際的網絡世界，那無法解釋的代號中，消聲匿跡！然而，回想那段時間，那些曾是我在與人比較中，用來肯定、評價自己的東西，我覺得自己很愚昧，因為一切到最後都會歸於無有。
凝望著這碗將要進到肚子裡的牛肉飯，我在想：「嗯……實在太香了，我的肚子在叫，如果它突然消失了，那不是很可惜嗎！」隨著思路，下一分鐘我發現：「糟糕，沒牛肉了！」(也許，事情不是如此發生的，可是，含意卻是如此)。在肚子餓的那一刻，我緊緊地拿著那碗飯(千真萬確)，下一秒，當我把牛肉吃光了，它就被扔在垃圾桶裡。這肯定不是個最好的比喻，但希望您能明白箇中含意。我的電腦最終會完蛋，我的精神疾病診斷與統計手冊有一天會過期，我的電話將會慢慢地失靈，我的車會停止運作，一切一切最終都會失效、被淘汰，我為什麼還要抱著它們那樣牢？應該嗎？
無論如何，結論就是沒有理由去抓著那些不能恆之以久的東西，正因如此，「屯積」是個精神病。雖然電動遊戲仍是我生命的一部分，我仍然有自己的財產，但，我想我己經到了可以隨時放下手來的階段﹔我也不會被它們牽著走，事實上，這是蠻自由的！這並不是什麼驚天動地的突破，但，對我來說，它是變得更真實。也許，是時候去讀讀《傳道書》……
◎ 翻譯：秦黃業玲